LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
