Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You made out with two different species that night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
