if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
