I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
