I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
