just come out here and I will go home with you...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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