i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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