wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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