did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
