Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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