see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
