so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
