I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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