She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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