he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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