apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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