I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
