She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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