Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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