So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
