Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
