Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
