i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
