I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
