I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
