I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
