Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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