Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i drank out of a bidet.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
