I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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