i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
