why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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