I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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