just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
