So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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