he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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