I hate all girls vehemently.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
