just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
