saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
