I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
