In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
