Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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