I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
