saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
