I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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