What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
