I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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