a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
