Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
