I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
