watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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