my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Randomize
